I’ve always known that I have a weird sense of what being productive is. Especially when I should be working on my writing or whatnot, and I don’t, I feel like I haven’t done anything. It could be the culture that I’ve grown up in where, if you’re not hitting burnout every few months, you’re not doing it right. Or it could be that, because the economy is so messed up that I’ve had to work like crazy just to try to make ends meet. And then give up and move to a smaller town. Like seriously, I was working over 50 hours a week and things just weren’t working.
When I moved and focused more on writing, I focused less on work. In that I went from 50+ hours a week down to sometimes only four. Big adjustment. It definitely took me a while to figure that out, but in the interim, I focused on working on my writing, and work I did. I put a lot of time and effort into planning and writing, and it paid off. I worked on it every day, and even when I was burning out from the hours spent at my computer writing or editing, keeping house, and getting more hours at work, I was making progress. And that was what mattered. But did it?
The problem I have now, is that I got so used to measuring my success solely on my ability to sit down a write several thousand words, or edit an hour or so of footage. My productivity became tied to my computer and now, when I don’t do work on my computer, I don’t feel like I did anything.
Yesterday, I woke up, edited a vlog, posted here, went to work for four hours and then went on a 5k hike. Other than a short nap and eating dinner, I did nothing else that day. At the end of the night when I was reflecting on the day, all I could think was that I had done nothing. I then remembered that I had done a few things on the computer before work, but even so, as those things are becoming more a part of my routine, they seem less like accomplishments, which I think is bad. Plus, on top of that, I did work and went for a hike. Those are still productive things I did. But they don’t feel like it to me, and I think that’s messed up.
I’ve known this has been a problem for a while, and since the new year I’ve been working on it. I’ve been doing crafts, which I normally wouldn’t associate as something productive, but slowly, as I build up a pile of embroidered puns and Disney characters, I’m starting to feel like I’ve been doing something good with my time. It’s honestly been great for my creativity overall, but I think what’s most important is that I can see it as something worth doing that isn’t so tied to my computer. I’m getting a hobby back, and that is key.
Anyway, I think this is just a really long winded way of saying that I feel like I didn’t do anything yesterday, despite the fact that I did, and that I feel like I had a really chill day. I will admit, I had a bit of a nap, and that was wonderful. I’m currently feeling the need for a nap later today as well, but we’ll see what happens after work.
An Invincible Summer 