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The Dream

“Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream that no one but you can see.”

I came across this quote some time ago. I’m not sure who said it or really how I to find it, but it resonated with me. Maybe because I have this crazy dream where I am going to become a published author and share my little world with everyone. But it’s scary as hell. Because first, one must pull a story from the depths of one’s soul, and secondly, because every force in the world seems to be working against following that dream and people can’t seem to understand why you would want to quit your well paying job to pursue this. I mean, I get it. I wonder myself. But I did it. And I’m still not sure if I’m better off. If nothing else, I’m committed, or should be.

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I’m The Worst

Today I woke up at 6am! I finally did it! I was conscious. I felt awake. I was ready to start the day. So naturally I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I am the worst. I was ready I had this day in the bag, and then after going back to sleep, it all kind of went downhill.

I eventually rolled out of bed around 10am. I had been up for a while, but I have my morning routine of checking emails and social media, then getting sucked into the Youtube rabbit hole for a while. Despite my late start to the day, I was determined to make it a productive one. Spoiler alert: I don’t think I was particularly successful at that. I had a quick snack in the morning, packed up my bag, and headed to the park where my plan was to sit under a tree for a few hours and get a lot of stuff done. Didn’t happen so much. Almost all the grass in the park is a lovely shade of tan because it’s summer, and it’s not enjoyable to sit on, especially when wearing shorts. I had thought about bringing a blanket or something to sit on, but I forgot, and I wasn’t going to go home and come back. That was too much effort. So I tried to make it work, but unlike the beach, the park didn’t have the same creative vibe. I got maybe eight point form notes written down about a new character I was developing and that was it. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel motivated, nor did I feel the urge to write. Sometimes I can get through a lack of motivation by being particularly inspired. Not today. There was nothing.

So I gave up for the time being. Sometimes you’ve just got to admit defeat. I went for a nice walk in the woods and returned home to have some lunch and also to try to reset for the working day. I would say I reached about 15% productivity after lunch, but that didn’t last long at all. Soon, all I wanted to do was nap, and as I was sitting in my bed with my work, it was likely to happen. I gave up again. I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff for dinner. When I got home, I would write, I told myself. I would do something so that this day would not be a complete write off.

You can probably guess what happened next. I went outside to the patio and sat down with my book’s acts and started to try to put them into chapters. I think I got to chapter three, maybe four, before I called it quits. It’s just not working today and I think it’s because I’ve just been overthinking everything lately. I feel like there’s so much, and so little going on in my life, if that makes any sense. I tried to implement this new routine, but it has no staying power because I have no particular desire to follow it. I know it’s a good routine, so once I get on it, I will have success, or if nothing else, I’ll force myself to start at my computer screen for four hours a day. Eventually I’ll drive myself crazy or write the book. But at the moment, I just can’t seem to be bothered, I guess. Which is weird. Like I said, I’m massively overthinking anything and everything that I can, and I think that’s the problem. Scratch that, I know that’s the problem.

Tomorrow’s another day, as I keep saying, and I can only keep trying. I actually have a commitment tomorrow that will force me to get up early, but that will also prevent me from writing for a few hours, so who knows how it’ll go. I’ve got to keep hoping that I’ll figure myself out, because if I don’t keep it up, I may as well just quit now.

Sleep Day, Beach Day

Remember that time when I anted to have a new routine and do productive things every day? Well, still not really happening. Oops! I am just so good at sleeping and so good at procrastinating. Tomorrow I will get up on time, maybe. Or even an hour earlier than today would be fine with me. I just have to remember that naps are totally allowed and that might help me get up earlier.

In good news, I am being productive, though perhaps not getting in as many hours as I would like. I am writing and I am progressing the story by putting these new building blocks in place. And I’m enjoying it, which I think is the best part. It obviously means that I am doing the right thing, if nothing else. In fact, I had a pretty enjoyable day. I slept in late again, and after a quick lunch, headed to the beach. It was another gorgeous day and I sat on some driftwood and wrote for a few hours. I think I’m actually almost at the point where I can start writing the actual story. What!? Yes. I think I am almost done with most of the massive planning stage. Sure, there’s still a bunch of little things to go in to connect the dots, but we’re getting there, and it’s super exciting.

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to get up earlier, which means that I should attempt to go to bed sometime before 1am tonight. The beach seems to be a pretty decent place for my creativity to flow, which I’m grateful for, but it gets pretty hot pretty quickly, so tomorrow I think I might try the park, to see if that gives me the same creative juices, but also some shade. Mainly because I’m a little sunburned from today.

I’m just still so excited about this story, and then the next story, and the one after that. I just want to live in Elyria forever.

Moderate Success

I was going to call this blog “Not Quite A Fail”, but decided to take the more positive side. All things considered, I think I had a fail productive and positive day today. Did I follow my schedule exactly? No. I definitely slept in for about three extra hours than I planned on doing. Oh well. Did I get stuff done? Definitely did. My daily writing/planning goal is four hours. That’s the minimum I want to get done. Did I hit that minimum today? I most certainly did not! But I was close. And for the first day of my new routine, I think it was a solid effort. More important than the time I spent writing was what I wrote, and I manage to accomplish quite a bit in terms of planning. I wrote a list of the things I have written, and a list of new things that I need to create. I still have to add to the list, but it’s a solid start.

I had two really good break throughs today, too. One was on a character. I created the character to fill this role a very long time ago, but as the story developed and evolved, he didn’t quite work anymore. Today I managed to come up with a character that is much more multi-faceted and actually makes parts of the story work better together. I still have to finish his backstory and figure out what his motivation is, though I think I’ve got the latter down to just needing a few tweaks. So I’m very excited about that and feel motivated to keep going. Next is probably even better. Last night I had a bit of an epiphany about an event in the story (probably part of the reason I couldn’t fall asleep and ended up sleeping in). Today I managed to flush it out a bit more and even tie it in to the end of the first book. The story I’m working on is a trilogy, I think, and this event comes right at the end of the first novel, unless I decide to just do two books, then I’ll have to re-space everything out. But for now, it is where it is.

Timelines! Ugh! That’s the thing that probably kills me the most. It’s not so much the timeline for any given story, it’s just working it into the over arching timeline of Elyria proper, which is where all my stories take place. Past me was actually a pretty thorough person and wrote a decently comprehensive timeline for Elyria, I just need to read through it, and probably make a giant, poster-sized version so I can follow along. I did find the notebook with the timeline in it, at least, so that’s a step in the right direction.

I even ate lunch on the beach, which is pretty neat. While I was doing so, I actually had a pretty good revelation, which I think is only going to help motivate me. I was sitting there, watching the boats sail by as the the breeze caressed me, and the water lapping on the shore soothed me, when I thought “I wish I could always do this”. And that’s when I realized that I can. There doesn’t have to be an end to eating, and working, on the beach and enjoying the world around me. If I keep on this track, there’s nothing stopping me from enjoying everything my current location has to offer and then moving on to another location to do the same. I just need to keep motivated, which I feel will be easier now, and keep my foot to the floor.

Life Updates

I missed a day of blogging, and it’s weird that it’s only been a few days and I feel terrible that I didn’t make it. I’d like to say that something exciting happened and therefore I was unable to blog – like maybe I was kidnapped and had to fight my way out and then save the princess, but that’s not it at all. I just had a super busy day after a late night and I was exhausted. Like face-plant-into-the-pillow-at-the-first-possible-moment exhausted. It wasn’t even that exciting of a day. I went out of town to do some shopping, which is a terrible thing because then I spend money, as soon as I got back into town, I went to my cousin’s playoff lacrosse game, which I was late to, and then to his house for dinner afterwards. Like I said, nothing super interesting, although I do enjoy family time, but it was just go, go, go all day. I was grateful that today was a very casual day. I slept until 11am with some crazy dreams that I will get to in a minute, and didn’t even leave the house if you don’t count going into the yard. It was definitely the type of low key day that I needed before I start my new “work” schedule. I’ve been joking that I need to make a time sheet and pay myself an hourly rate to motivate myself, but somehow I don’t think that will work.

Tomorrow is the day that I’m supposed to start my new routine to get stuff done, but we’ll see if it actually happens. I can’t remember exactly what time I’ve penciled in to get up at, but I’m pretty sure it’s some godawful time like 6am. Now, when I was working a real job, I would frequently have to be up before then to get to work on time, but it’s a lot harder to motivate yourself when there is no real repercussion for not getting up and getting going. Plus I’ve always been really bad at the reward system thing, you know, where you set a reward for doing x amount of work or whatnot? I usually just rationalize that I can avoid doing the work and just get the reward immediately. The only time I can remember being successful was during Nanowrimo one year. My reward for hitting the word count was a Nintendo 3DS. I even bought it beforehand, because I knew I would finish, but I made myself wait until I hit the 50k words. I did, about a week early, and then I got to play my 3DS. Honestly, though, that’s the only time I can remember this system actually working. In university I was able to incentivize myself with stickers, so that could actually be an option, I would write down every little thing that I had to do in an agenda, and when I completed it, I would put a sticker over it. This has some potential, and maybe when I hit a certain number of stickers I can trade them in for a prize. Am I a child? Yes, yes I am.

Speaking of, I definitely had the weirdest dreams last night. I was in a city, maybe Vancouver, when Godzilla showed up. Naturally, everyone started to evacuate. I ended up on Vancouver Island and then the earthquakes started. I’m not sure if they were related to Godzilla or if maybe my dreams just collided together. All I knew was that I had to get out of any cities with tall buildings, so I headed to the north end of the island where my grandparents live, because there’s nothing tall there. But, we also had to worry about tsunamis, so after packing stuff up, I went in search of a hill. I felt pretty confident in my ability to survive, which is more than I am say for my thoughts in real life. Is it weird that I’m always wondering what my best course of action is in a natural disaster? Maybe not when I live on a fault line. I definitely have to look at fault lines in my story world. My brother keeps mentioning how important they are, and I agree, mainly from a topography point of view, but I can work with earthquakes, too… interesting.

Anyway, I’d best be signing off for the night. Something about getting up early in the morning.

Lycanthropy

After a crazy dream early this morning, I remembered that a lot of my old blog posts were recapping what happened while I was sleeping. I’ve been told that I have very detailed dreams when I share them with friends, but for me, it’s just how they’ve always been. Granted, I’ve “leveled up” in my dreams to the point that I can read, use a phone, run at regular speed, and speak French. Kind of weird things, yes, but very important when you need to know what a threatening note says, or call 911 in the event of a dream emergency. Not going to lie, learning to dial a phone in my dream was probably one of the most frustrating things ever. I knew the number I wanted to dial, but would always be off by just one digit – usually the last one. My brother thinks it’s weird that I had to learn how to use a phone in my dream, but I thought it was just one of those normal things. Who really knows?

In any case, I had a very interesting dream last night. In part, I’m going to blame Dungeons and Dragons, because in the current campaign I’m playing, myself and two other players are cursed with Lycanthropy. As tonight is another D&D night, it’s only natural that my brain would be thinking of those things and then pull them into my dream realm. The details are murky at the moment, but I’m going to do my best to remember. There was a large group of us and we were travelling through the woods, though it wasn’t a deep wooded area or anything. It was the small treeline in a nearby park, but it was actually useful in the dream to have access to streets and cars later, so it worked out. I think we were hunting a werewolf that was causing all sorts of issues and we had to go deal with it to make it safe again. However, while we were moving through the woods, each one of us ended up with a different curse, though I can’t recall what mine was. I do recall that one of the girls with me ended up with Lycanthropy, which I, at least, saw as a benefit because now we had someone who could go toe-to-toe with the werewolf we were hunting. I don’t think she felt the same as she required a lot of calming down and assurance. I don’t know what we were assuring her of, though. That she would eventually not be a werewolf? Because I don’t think any of us were able to promise that.

Anyway, we kept going through the woods, tracing this werewolf, when suddenly both he, and our friend started to change into their werewolf forms. I’m not sure why it happened, because it definitely wasn’t at night and I don’t think it was a full moon, so something weird was going on. Now, however, it became seriously dangerous for the rest of us who weren’t covered in fur. We had to make a break for it. But while we were running for a truck to hide in, the werewolves started headed towards civilization. Things were getting serious. People were evacuating and there were alerts on the radio. We came up with a plan that made sense at the time, but looking back would never work. One of our group had found an old canon abandoned in the forest. We got it out to our pick up truck, and managed to get it in the back, where it conveniently fit under the canopy. It was actually a lot smaller than you’d think. It was like a compact canon. The idea was to drive this truck around until we found the first werewolf and shoot him with it. Now, if we were trying to kill him, this clearly wouldn’t have worked because the canon balls weren’t silver, so I’m not sure what we were trying to achieve, and I never found out. Just after we got on the road amidst all the chaos that was people evacuating, and in hot pursuit of our target, I woke up. I guess I’ll never find out what happened to the werewolves, or the city they were about to descend on.

Blogging

Once upon a time I used to blog every single day. It became part of my daily routine, and I would make sure that I would get a blog posted before I went to bed at night. Often times I would even “live blog” during the day, constantly updating as I did various different things. They often wouldn’t be exciting blogs. I would talk about doing nothing that day, or going to work and what I ate. I honestly don’t know how I kept up daily blogging for over a year with how boring my life seems. Somehow, though, I persisted, even though I seem to recall that some blogs literally read “I went to work and ate food and now I am going to sleep.” I feel like there were some gems in there, though, and so if nothing else, quantity is key. I’d like to say that this blog is going to be a little different; that I am going to blog daily and it will all be quality stuff. But in reality there will be days when all I do is talk about what I ate for lunch (it was pancakes), and what I did this morning (nothing). Today is one of those days and I think that’s why I’m taking this instance to talk about how lame some of my days and, subsequently, my blogs will be.

I have faith that things will get better once I get into a schedule, because then I will at least have set things that I do per day. I’ll be able to, hopefully, talk about progress I’m making on my writing, and how exciting is it that I’m working on something. I have a few other exciting things that I’m angling to start working on too, so I have faith that things will get become more entertaining to read about.

Now, I’m not saying that I had the least exciting day in the world today, because I didn’t. My grandparents were in town and we went out for dinner together, and that was very nice, plus I did some life organizing and house cleaning. So it was a productive day, but it wasn’t something to write home about, or to write on the blog about. Yet still, I’m doing it. I am hoping that when I get back into blogging more frequently, I’ll come up with better things to write about. I recall that in the past I would sometimes write stories, or over embellish my day to make my blog more exciting, so I think I’ll have to get on that. Or maybe I could just start living a more exciting life. That is also an option. I’ll work on it. For now, though, I think I’ll sign off here and go do nothing of note for the rest of the evening.

The Best Laid Plans…

Okay, I’m not going to lie. The plans were not well laid at all. I set an alarm for 7:30 this morning, and I think that’s about a far as I got. There were vague ideas of what to do today, including making a daily schedule, but that was about it. You might be able to guess by now that I didn’t get up when my alarm went off. I turned it off, though I barely have a recollection of doing so, and woke up sometime around 11:00am. Oops. At that point, I was pretty sure my day was going no where fast, and so I embraced it. I didn’t even claw my way out of bed until well after noon. I mean, if the ship is going down, I might as well have a good time along the way.

When I finally decided to start moving, I jumped into the shower and managed to lose a contact somewhere between rinse and lather. Nothing light being a cyclops while trying to shave. But hey, I like living life on the edge.

I guess today was a bit of a house keeping day for me. I did some chores, ate some food, and just puttered around. I must have needed it, because it doesn’t feel like a lost day to me. I feel like I was productive, though not necessarily in the direction I was hoping to go. My new plan is to have my daily tasks figured out and planned out by the end of Friday, with the intentions of starting my new schedule on Monday. I’ve written down all the things I think I want to include in a day, though I’m sure I’ll find more as I go along, and that’s a good start. I also know that I want to try to be done most of my work by 4pm every day, so that’s something that I can plan around. I’m not against working later in the evening, like maybe a few hours from 8-10pm, but I want to get most of my work done while everyone I know is at work. I also plan on including a siesta whenever I need one. With those things sorted, I think I’m well on my way to getting back on the right track. I still need to find a creative place to actually write, though, and I feel like that might be the hardest part of all. If it’s somewhere I have to travel to, I’ll also have to account for travel time and potentially hours of operation. I do miss the city and the 24 hour coffee shops, that’s for sure. But I’ll make it work, I’m sure.

I don’t have much planned for the rest of the day (not that I really had anything planned at all), so I’ll just slowly pluck away at making a schedule, and further sorting things out, I guess. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get up early, but realistically, I doubt it.