Missteps & False Starts

Since 2021 began I’ve felt like I’ve been on my heels, just trying to figure out the day to day, never mind any long term goals that I’d like to work on. Near the end of 2020 I reflected on my goals for the previous year, being very gentle about anything unaccomplished, and started putting into words my thoughts and plans for the New Year. After having a rather okay 2020 in which I managed to build up my mental fortitude to a force hitherto unknown, I felt good that I could ride that wave into 2021 and continue on my progress from the previous year. In fact, I hoped to have a more productive and more successful year. Boy was I wrong.

In part, I think the problem stemmed from me being out of town for work at the end of 2020 and a full week into the new year. I like to use the new year to start new goals and to set up the things I want to accomplish in the next twelve months. While I started crafting my ideas into tangible goals, I didn’t sit down, as I have in previous years, and lay it all out on the table, or in my case, the wall. Typically I write out every category that I want to accomplish something in and then put all the details on separate cards which I then tape on my wall in a very visible place. That way I can see it every day and I can also watch and mark my progress. It works pretty well and I’ve done it for the last few years with high levels of success. This year, the week between Christmas and New Years was a hectic period of trying to get myself sorted for almost two weeks away. I left town just a few days after Christmas and didn’t have the time to put in the work. I told myself that it was fine and that I would do it when I got back. But I didn’t. I did sort everything into categories and I have it written down somewhere on a few loose leaf pieces of paper, but I never completed the process and then things came up.

Work has been busy. We’ve had the busiest January and February that we’ve ever had due to all the production we’ve been putting together and on top of that, I decided that January would be a great month to put out 10-11 videos a week on my YouTube channel. I mean, who thought that was a good idea? And as the world events started to play out and my general exhaustion from overworking and ten months of pandemic lockdowns played out I realized my mental fortitude had slipped. Not only had it slipped, but it went away all together. And that’s no fun. I think it’s mostly that, in the next two weeks we are going to hit a full year since everything changed where I am. We were already feeling the effects at this point last year, but March 13th was the day that everything got shutdown and everything became uncertain. I think I got through 2020 by believing that it would get better in a year’s time. I think that was the hope I held on to, and that is what helped get me through. But as we’re approaching the 12 month mark, I no longer have that milestone to look forward to and I have yet to find a new hope.

I don’t want to sound all morose and hopeless, because I am not fully. Yet it has been hard for me to plan or get into anything this year. January was a write off. I think I napped nearly every day, even days when I would get a full night’s sleep, and I was constantly on the edge. I took a break from YouTube for the first two weeks of February, hoping that I would magically fix my extremely broken sleep schedule, get rested, and be ready to take on the year. It took me a solid week to stop napping, and the only thing that started to fix my schedule also broke it. Instead of endlessly scrolling on my phone at night, I switched to reading. It meant that I fell asleep a lot faster and after a few days of that routine, I started to sleep like a normal person. And yet, that was also a problem. The more I read, the more I became invested in the stories, and the more I read. Soon, I was staying up until 2am or later, not because I couldn’t get to sleep, but rather because I couldn’t stop reading. In all of 2020 I think I read thirteen or fourteen books. It took me the whole year and it was greatly helped by audiobooks. I wanted to do at least the same this year, but it had been a struggle the year before. In my two weeks reprieve I read thirteen books and started on a fourteenth. It’s a bit of a cheat because twelve of the were manga, but it was something. And I needed that something. They were also all re-reads. I read Death Note and Battle Royale, two stories I seriously recommend. I started reading Ashfall again, though I haven’t gotten too far into it because I fell into the Lord of the Rings audiobook. It’s perfect to listen to while I’m working or while I’m crafting. In fact, I’ve started to neglect doing other things so I can sew and continue listening to the story.

I have read LOTR before. A million times, I’m sure. And that’s probably not much of an exaggeration. After I finished the series the first time I immediately picked it back up. And again. And again. I heard that Christopher Lee had read LOTR once a year for forty years or something and I aspired to do the same. Though I apparently wanted to cover the forty years in just a few. I’m sure by now I have read the series close to a hundred times, though I’ve been a few year since I’ve picked it up. I actually put it into the rotation near the beginning of 2020, which was quite apt when I came across this great exchange between Gandalf and Frodo:

I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Fellowship of the Ring

It was what I needed at the time. I felt like I had been meant to pick up the book then. Perhaps that is where my strength to get me through the year came from. Who knows. In any case, I never finished the book, instead getting caught up in other projects to pass the time. I also stopped writing around the same time. I had finished the final edit on the book I had written and was looking to move on to a new project. I’ve mentioned it before, but that new project concerned a global pandemic. What terrible timing on my part! I tried to start it regardless, thinking that the real time research would be helpful. It wasn’t and so I switched focus. But as the year went on, I found it harder and harder to maintain focus on much. I sewed masks and scrunchies while watching shows. I played video games while lying in my bed. I spent the summer getting exhausted at my remote job being understaffed due to the pandemic. But I made it through. When I returned in the summer, it was a lot more sewing. So much sewing that I grew exhausted of making masks, and yet masks were making me money, and so I couldn’t put it to the side. Then I turned to embroidery as the year waned and that helped. I’ve been working on finding a balance of things, and now, as we are closing in on the third month of the year, and a full year since lockdown first began, I think I am getting there.

I now sew masks because I want to. I’ve got this fun little idea that I’m going to send some with fun patterns and maybe some scrunchies, to my friends. Little happiness bundles. I’ve been embroidering things I want to make and things that I think I might be able to sell, once I get to it. I’ve scaled back my YouTube presence to four videos a week instead of eleven. And I’ve started writing again. Well, world building is more like it. And on none other than my global pandemic story. A year out, and I can now appreciate the knowledge I’ve gained from going through one myself. I can easily write how governments handle it, because I’ve seen it through my own eyes. I’ve enhanced the tertiary characters and how they would react to everything. It’s been helpful now, where it couldn’t be before.

Do I think that everything is going to be rainbows and sunshine now? No. Absolutely not. This year, at least at present, I feel like my mental health is resting on the edge of a knife and any slight shift could make it all come crashing down. And I think that’s okay. It is what it is and this year in particular I think it’s going to be important not just to be kind to people around me, but to be kind to myself. There will be more missteps and false starts as the year goes on, of that I am sure. But so long as I take the next step and start again it’ll be okay.

Reflecting.

I’m not quite at the point where I’m ready to look at my 2020 goals and reflect on the year. I’ll save that for the actual end of the year. But back in March I basically stopped looking at my wall of goals. There wasn’t much of a point with about 70% of my goals becoming, or seeming impossible. Over the last few weeks I’ve glanced at them here and there, but nothing in depth. There are two things that stand out of me, though. In 2019 I decided to add words to my goal board – almost like a general theme. For 2019 they were rest, refresh, reset. I felt like I needed a year to just get my feet under me. Stop sprinting, and chill a bit. Had I know what 2020 would hold, I might have saved that for this year.

Instead, I had the idea to add the words throughout the year, if I had to. I didn’t want to lock anything down immediately. I wanted room to be flexible. Early on in the year, or perhaps at the end of 2019, I can across a saying that really stuck with me. It was this: “The devil whispered in my ear ‘you are not strong enough to withstand the storm’. Today I whispered in the devil’s ear ‘I am the storm’.” I am the storm became a bit of a mantra for me. It made me feel good inside. It gave me something to hold on to, and honestly, I think it helped me weather the storm of 2020. There have been ups and downs, but seeing the words “I AM THE STORM” on my wall every day helped.

I didn’t managed to get much further than that motto. There was one word that I added a few weeks into the year. Growth. After spending a year resetting and resting and figuring things out, I wanted to work on some growth this year, be in career-wise (lol) or personally. We definitely had some outward physical growth that I would like to go away, but I think I managed a few of the other things. Even though I laughed at the idea of career growth, I did make some strides. After several months of faking it until I made it, I feel like I really got a handle on the remote invoicing I do. I’ve also come to see how integral I am in two of my positions and was rewarded financially for two of my jobs, which is great, especially in a year like this. I also started sewing again, mostly out of necessity to have masks, but I turned that into a little business making masks and scrunchies among other things. I would love to see that grow in 2021, but let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves! And even though I don’t make money from Youtube, mention it is actually a good way to transition into some personal growth.

I think the thing that I’m going to take most from this year is that it’s okay, and also so important to invest in yourself and your passions. (To be perfectly honestly, I started tearing up as soon as I mentioned personal growth and I have no idea what that’s about.) At the top of the year, I bought myself a sewing machine. It was something I had wanted to invest in for ages, but that I kept putting off. But when the pandemic started gaining steam and things started shutting down, I figured it was the time. Though honestly, I mostly bought it just so I could make masks for myself and my family. What followed was so many scrunchies (close to 800), a plethora of masks (over 100), and a reigniting of my love of sewing. I’ve slowly been transitioned to making other things and have a half completed set of pjs. I’m just really lazy and haven’t finished the top. But I’m excited to keep expanding this. I’ve also fallen in love with embroidery. I started at the end of last year, but I really came into my own as the year progressed and have many pieces I’m proud of and many more ideas of things I want to make. Reflecting back, if I had known, “Creating” would have been one of my words for the year.

And to that end, in the last few weeks, especially, I’ve started to realize how much creating and doing things I’m passionate about matters to me. I didn’t see it at the time, but spending the money on the sewing machine was a wonderful thing that kept me occupied during some of the craziest days of my life. Buying all the embroidery thread was another investment that helped to keep me sane.

On YouTube, there’s this thing called Vlogmas. Basically people vlog their daily life from December 1st to December 24th/25th and post what they do. Normally the videos are Christmas themed and the people who do it are typically non-daily vloggers. I’d call myself a daily vlogger, with some gaps. The summer really put me behind and I slowly started to drop my lead time. I think when December hit, I had a buffer of five or six days still. I then decided to do vlogmas. Which meant I was saying goodbye to that lovely buffer and meant that I now HAD to edit a vlog every day. It was just getting back to what I normally did, so it wasn’t too much of an adjustment, even though it had been a while. I decided that I needed Christmas music for my videos. Because why not? I figured I would fully embrace it. I signed up and paid for a year long membership for royalty free music. Best decision ever. I felt more creatively inspired than I had for a long time and I feel like it shows. I’m excited about editing vlogs again. Then I started watching some gamers streaming what they were playing. I wanted to stream games about two years ago, but the internet where I was living just couldn’t handle it. Now that I better internet, as it turns out, my computer can’t handle it.

And this is where I had my breakthrough about how important it is to invest in yourself and your passions. I really love creating content for my YouTube channel. I’ve even started screen recording myself playing games, while also recording myself and editing everything in together. It’s been so much fun and something I want to continue to do. Being unable to do it all together does add a little work, but it’s not the end of the world. However, my poor little laptop, which has been editing a video a day (or more) for almost three years, is starting to get sad. It makes concerning noises, and occasionally it glitches as I’m editing. And so for the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about building a new computer. It’s not a new idea for me. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but now that I have all these other things I want to do, I know it makes sense. I’ve been waffling on it, though, because it’s an investment. It’s a BIG investment. And part of me thinks it’s not worth it. But by saying that, it means I don’t think I’m worth it. And I’ve come to realize that I am. I want to let myself explore my passions in a way that both fulfills me and challenges me creatively. If I want to continue to reach those benchmarks, then the next best step for me, at the moment, is a new computer. And realizing that and that it’s okay to put in the money to something like that has just been a wonderful realization.

It’s been a crazy year, for sure, and we’re not at the end yet, but I can honestly say I am so proud of the journey I have taken over the last twelve months. It wasn’t the journey I wanted, for sure, and there are things that I might change if I could, but I’m so excited to see where I can go from here and how much more growth I can achieve.

Prepping for 2021

A lot of people say “well, I’ll start on Monday.” I think the same holds true by the time you get to December – “I’ll start in the New Year.” I get it. Especially this year. But I usually like to use December as an opportunity to start preparing myself for my 2021 goals. I think it’s almost impossible to go from zero to sixty with your goals and expect to be successful. Which is maybe part of the reason I’ve started blogging again.

Honestly, I’m not sure what my 2021 goals are going to be yet. I have inklings and thoughts, but I don’t think I couldn’t give you a firm goal if I were pressed. Definitely something about blogging. Something about writing. Something about my YouTube channel. Something about getting fit. But nothing is nailed down yet. And I think that’s why I really like December. It’s a crazy month of getting ready for Christmas and usually it’s busy at work, but in the downtime, I like to think about what I want to accomplish in the following twelve months, and I also start to reflect on my 2020 goals. It’s a process that goes hand in hand, because I have to see what happened the year before to gauge what I should do going forward. This year has been particularly hard for goals. I had many goals that were travel based. Those quickly got the big red X. I even remember saying, back in February before the pandemic really hit here, that everything would be fine by the time I was planning on going on my trip. Too optimistic for sure. But at least I was smart enough to not book anything.

My writing goals started out strong, but then failed pretty good once March hit. I’ve been getting excited about writing again lately, and so I’m trying to use these next few weeks to figure out what I want to work on and try to get everything organized. Reading was something that I wanted to do more of this year and I did, though most of it was in audiobook form. I still count that as a win. And it’s definitely something I want to take a bigger role in my daily life. I can listen to audiobooks at work, which is nice, but I would love to sit down and read actual books. I think I read six books this year with a seventh on the go. But I used to read a book a week, give or take.

I’ve also been trying to figure out what my fitness goals should be for the New Year because I have fallen off the wagon and into the chip bag on this one. I think it’s been a necessary evil for my mental health, but I would love to stop. And to work on strength training or something. I’ve always said that my fitness goals are to be able to run away from any sketchy situation I might find myself in, and if I can’t do that, to be able to fight my way out. I can do neither of those things. Recently I saw that someone’s fitness goals were to run after and pet as many dogs as possible, and I think that’s more in my realm. But we’ll see.

Basically, I’m slowly testing out and thinking about future goals so that I can be as prepared as possible to take 2021 by storm. I know that you can start new things all the time, but I also like the idea of a hard reset. I pick things up all the time, but the start of a New Year is a great way to line everything up for the year and breakdown all my goals into attainable tasks. And I’m actually being very hopeful and optimistic for 2021. It’s gonna be a good year.

Dreaming Big

In 2020, one of my goals is to finally travel to Australia. It’s been on my list for a long time and it seems like this year might be the year. However, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’m not sure it’s the right timing right now. I have family in Australia, so obviously I would have to visit them while I’m there, but I want to chill more on the east coast, and they live on the west coast. I don’t want it to feel like an obligation that I go there, and in order to visit them, I’ll either have to commit to spending my time on the west coast, or shell out for extra flights in order to spend my time in places like Sydney and Melbourne.

Another place I’ve always wanted to visit is Japan. So I was thinking that, if I go to Australia, I should make a stop on the way there, or the way back, just because I’ll be halfway there. It’s like when I went to Orlando and flew home via a week layover in Paris, France. It’s a thing. Additionally, my 30 in 30 goal for this month is studying Japanese. I’ve studied Japanese before, several times, and it’s one of those things that, in the moment and using it, I remember it, but stepping away, I don’t. I also almost went to Japan a few years ago for the JET Programme, which is a cultural exchange program that hires people to promote their culture and teach as assistant language teachers. Definitely simplifying it, but you get the gist. I applied and I got an interview, then got a a placement on the alternate list. Basically it’s the wait list of the program. You are there in case someone who was offered a position can’t make it, or if someone gets there and leaves. I didn’t get upgraded and after going through a nine month period where I could get called at any moment, I wasn’t ready to go through that again. I definitely thought about applying again, and I feel like there would have been a decent chance I would have got in, but all that waiting and letdown really got to me. Plus, I’m sure there was a lot of other stuff going on in my life. I still think about applying again sometime, because why not?

With all that in mind, and with Japanese high on my mind, because my brain is literally swimming with Hiragana right now. Today, I had a moment of “Wait! What if I just decided to go live somewhere for a month, instead of crisscrossing across the great continent of Australia. What if I went to live in Japan for a few weeks? I checked the visa requirements. I wouldn’t need one for a short term stay. I looked up ticket prices. They’re cheaper than going to Australia. And lastly, I looked at accommodations and found some reasonable ones in various parts of the country. With the awesome train system, I could easily base myself out of a random city and explore like crazy. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m not so crazy as to pull the trigger on booking everything, although I seriously thought about it, but I am crazy enough to really start thinking about it. And to start dreaming about it. Because, why not?

A Long Month

January has been an interesting month for me. And I know that, with a week left to go before the end of it, maybe I shouldn’t be reflecting on it just yet, but you know what? I’m gonna. Because I am grown woman and I can do what I want.

But seriously, I feel as if this month has gone on forever and ever, even though we’re just over three weeks into it. I think it’s had to do with the hype of a new year, of getting back into work, and of starting a new hobby. Also, I’ve been away from home puppy sitting, been moderately social, and tried to get out and be active. I think I lost that one, though, because the WEATHER! Wow! Even right now I think it’s raining. Just can’t win on that one. I also think my efforts to wake up early and be more productive had something to do with it all. I had a solid four days where I woke up at 6am and got stuff done on extended days. Then I went puppy sitting and said “SCREW IT!” and slept in a lot. I said it was because I didn’t want to disturb the puppers, and that was definitely a part of it, but I also think it was because I was alone and didn’t have to work, so chill time was great. And I ended up taking a nap on one of the days where I slept in, so honestly, I think I was just doomed from the start for that. I did really like the early wake ups, though, and I think I’m going to continue. I just need to keep adjusting when I go to sleep, when I eat, etc. I’ll get there, though.

This month has been a month of setting things up, and that is also a huge part of why it’s felt like the longest month in ages. I just feel like I’m ALWAYS doing something, which isn’t a bad thing because I hate when I’m not doing something, but it’s just felt like a lot. And I don’t want that. I still want to partake in downtime, so I think I should figure out a routine or a schedule. Honestly, it’s on my list of goals for 2020 to have a routine because I know I thrive well with one. It’s just a matter of sorting it all out and making it work for me. It certainly can’t be a rigid routine. It will have to be flexible, and probably include time for napping, because I do love me some nap times.

All in all, I think January has been a good start to the year for me. I’ve been setting myself up for success with a lot of goals (though definitely not all of them) and I’m been keeping on top of almost everything. I’m still excited for this year, which is a win, and I can’t wait to be more and more successful and productive as I make my way through the months. That being said, if this month already feels long, I fear for what the rest of the year will feel like.

A Snow Day

It snowed a lot today. I would guess at least six inches and it’s still going. Yikes! So I decided to take a snow day.

Okay, but not really. I worked this morning at my real job, and the snow was coming down in droves. Businesses were closing all around us and I didn’t want to go out for lunch, but I lucked into my mom’s boyfriend being downtown and he brought me some food before he went home. That was nice. And then I got off at the same time as my mom so I didn’t have to attempt to transit home. Honestly, I don’t think we saw a single bus out there, so there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have made it.

Then when I got home, I was tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, and after three, very productive days in a row, I wasn’t really feeling it. So I decided to take a “snow day”. But it doesn’t really make sense because, one, I already worked at my real job, and two, I work from home. A lot of the people I know are choosing to work remotely over the next few days because of the weather. You know, from home. But that’s typically where I work from. Still, I decided to use the snow as an excuse and do nothing. Well, not quite. My plan was to chill. My plan was to chill so hard that I wrote it on my to do list for the day, then wrote to blog about chilling (which is what I am doing right now), and then to “chill more”. Yes, I was so invested in this that I mentioned it three times.

My plan was to make my bed and then curl up under a cozy throw blanket and watch a movie while maybe embroidering. That’s not quite what happened though. Instead, I stayed at my desk and kept watching episodes of Survivor. But! I definitely got back into embroidery. Oh boy did I get back into embroidering.

When I was young, somewhere in the ten years old range, my mom taught me how to embroider. But I was impatient and made my stitches WAY too big and so everything I did would fall apart. In the summer, we had a secret Santa thing at my job (we like to celebrate all the holidays in three months time) and it was a $10 spend limit, or a made object. I managed to find someone who had stuff to embroider with and I used it to make my gift. I promise you that I did a lot better this time around. Every since, I’ve been thinking about it, to the point that I made it one of my goals to embroider things this year. Also, in the back of my head is the idea that, if I’m good enough, maybe I can sell it, and there’s an extra stream of income.

I knew the first thing I wanted to make, and so, over the last few days I’ve been getting everything together that I need. Assuming the roads are clear tomorrow, I should be getting my embroidery hoops (cheaper ones that I can put projects in and then sell/give away). I also went to the fabric store the other day and had a bit of a spending problem in the remnants section. But it was good because it was cheap and I have a lot of options now. Today was the first day that I decided to sit down and work on things.

Like I mentioned, I knew what my first project had to be. In the summer, one of my coworkers and I would constantly make finger guns at each other and say “pew, pew, pew.” I don’t know why we started it, but it was hilarious, and always made us laugh. It was also kind of how we would say goodnight to each other. I wanted to commemorate that.

And so I did. I think it’s the stupidest and funniest thing all at once, and I can’t stop laughing at it. I’m also really impressed with how it turned out. I have to wait until my hoops come so I can figure out how to finish it, but other than that, I think we’re good.

But then I was hooked, and I wanted to make something else. But I wasn’t sure what. Another girl that I work with in the summer loves marine wildlife and whenever she sees a whale she will hilariously say “WHAAA-OOO!” So why not commemorate that?

I’m not as happy with the fabric on this one because it’s a bit thin, but I still think it turned out pretty well. Again, something stupid but I’m sure she’ll love it. Also, I wanted to practice whales because I’m thinking about making a ton of “on theme” hoops to sell at the store at the resort where I work in the summer.

Once more, I wanted to do more. But this time I didn’t have anyone in mind. I have a list that I’ve been keeping recently of quotes and other ideas, but nothing was really exciting me. And then I thought about lettuce, and thus…

Lettuce be grateful.

If you know me, you know I love puns and terrible jokes more than anything else in the world. If I ever get married, accepting that must be in my partner’s vows. And so, with my newfound power, the third thing I decided to make was a terrible pun. I love it. So much.

I think today was a successful day and I’m looking forward to having more chill embroidery days. I’m good with it. So stick around if you like that, and also, I promise I’ll get back to writing and talking about writing soon.

Goal Check-In

Every day, or every other day, I stand in front of my wall of 2020 goals and I go “oh yeah! I forgot about that.” And honestly, the fact of the matter is, with so many goals that I want to accomplish this year, I will never remember them all at the same time. That’s part of the reason I have the huge wall. Also, I have categories, and those are broken down into smaller tasks. Some things I just haven’t started on yet because I’ve been juggling with other things, whereas other goals, I’ve just straight up forgotten. Some goals are a daily thing, like drinking more water. Others are weekly/bi-weekly, like querying. Others, yet, are monthly. I added a new goal where I want to donate $20 a month to a different charity. This month I actually gave $40, both to charities helping in Australia, WIRES, and the Australian Red Cross, because I wanted to help the animals, but I didn’t think it was right to help them and not help the people. But that’s a goal that I only have to think of every once and a while. Also, things like “planning a trip to Australia,” I only need to think about once I’ve decided to book the flights. It’s always in the back of my head as I’m trying to figure out where I want to go, but it’s not at the forefront. Also, I want to travel somewhere warm within the next few months, and that kind of takes precedence.

There are a few things that I haven’t started on that I really want to. One is crafting. Every day I am getting closer, but I’m not quite there yet. Yesterday I bought a bunch of fabric, and on Thursday, assuming everything goes well, my embroidery hoops will arrive and I can just go nuts with it. Hopefully. Well, the plan is to craft and watch movies or shows at the same time, so I don’t feel bad about watching them and doing nothing. It’ll be a win-win, because I like crafting. One of the other things I haven’t really gotten into is working on manifesting things. At the start of last year, I kept a journal that I would write in every night before bed. I would put on some zen music, turn down the lights, relax, and put pen to paper. I would write a word that I felt encompassed my day, three things I was grateful for and three things I wanted to manifest. It was also part of my night time routine and I made sure not to do any computer work once I started that. The current problem is that I am struggling with balance at the moment and I know I am unable to add anything more to my plate. First, I need to start moving my work, specifically editing my vlog, so I finish earlier in the day. Even finishing at 10 o’clock would be okay, but it hasn’t been working like that. Lately it’s been after midnight by the time I upload my vlog. Whoops! So I’m slowly trying to transition that back so I have more time. I’ve been thinking about maybe getting up at 6am instead and editing then, so that’s an option, but it’s not an option I’m ready for quite yet. I think it would be a good solution, it’s just hard.

Other than that, the two other things that I haven’t really started on/implemented are creating routines and habits to help keep my mental state in the best place it can be, and writing. I keep almost starting my writing or editing, but I’m still not quite there. Honestly, though, it’s okay. Besides the things I’ve mentioned, I really am chugging along well with my goals for 2020. Obviously there is always room for improvement, but I’m growing and I’m almost thriving. I would be thriving if I wasn’t so tired and if it wasn’t so cold. I know we’re only two weeks into 2020 but I feel good. And I feel better than I felt a week ago, and that is progress. Unfortunately, I’m not going to make a ton of progress today if I keep carrying on here, but that’s okay. I’ve got oodles of tasks to work on today, so no matter what, I’ll find something to while away the time.

Productive, But Then What?

I think I had the most productive day of my life yesterday.

Okay, that’s probably an overstatement, but it was definitely one of the most productive days that I’ve had in a long time. I had a HUGE list and I completed almost everything on it. There were only two things I didn’t do. One was editing a new intro for my vlog for February and the other was reading my book. They’re kind of important things, but what can you do? I tend to do that a lot. I call it productive procrastination and I know I’ve talked about it before. It’s when I will do everything but the thing I should be doing. In all honesty, though, I’m not mad about it. Not after yesterday. I read a book, I played some video games, I filmed four videos, I edited a project for a friend, etc, etc, etc. I did a million things. And it was good.

I feel a bit like I have a productivity hangover today, though. I think I did so much that there is no way I can live up to it today. And honestly, I’m not even close to on pace to do so. Part of it was definitely because I had to run some errands today, and that takes time I could be using for other things. I think the biggest reason why today won’t be as productive is because I haven’t put my foot to the metal. Yesterday, I woke up and I started making moved right away, and even though I slept in, I had a large number of tasks under my belt before 4 o’clock. I think the nature of what I was doing also plays into how productive I was yesterday. It is a lot easier to film a video and it takes a lot less time than it does to edit. And editing is what I have been working on today.

I’ve got one video under my belt, thus far, which is great, and the next one is importing presently. I think I’ll likely get that one done. I might even get through another, but unless I really sit down and force myself to switch focus, none of the videos will be my intro and there’s a reason for that. When I go into editing any random video, I can estimate how long it will take me to get through but I can’t know for sure. When I’m editing an intro, I know it will take me at least two and a half hours, in which time I will have to listen to the same song over and over again. It’s not exactly something that I relish in. It’s okay to start, and I’m always happy with the end result, but somewhere in the middle I just get sick of it. Hahaha. But eventually I will have to do it, so maybe sooner is better than later.

Then, of course, writing. I haven’t really touched anything since December, and even that was pretty half-hearted. I know I just need to sit down and focus, but I really don’t want to because I know it’s a huge, involved process. Plus, one of my goals this year is to resume querying, which is a process in itself. And honestly, I just don’t want to do either right now, and I feel like, if I avoid one, I can justify avoiding the other. This is not a sustainable attitude, I know, but it’s working for me for now.

For the rest of the day, I just hope I can be as productive as possible and go from there. It won’t hit the heights of yesterday, but I think if I try, I can at least be content with my progress when I go to sleep.

Starting The Day Out Right, But Late

Last night I sat down and realized that I had had a really chill and relaxing day where I did almost no work. It was good and it was necessary. But if I’m being honest, I haven’t really been having very good and productive work days for a while now. I would say since mid-December (or maybe even before) when I went on holidays. I say “holidays” like I went somewhere or planned it, but really, it’s just because there was no work. In either case, I had about two weeks off where I slept in all the time and did almost nothing. And that was okay because 2019 was a year. But I really want 2020 to start off on the right foot and so I need to make changes. I need to be more intentional with my time. I’m even thinking about making “intentional” one of my words for this year.

Last night, when I realized I hadn’t been the most productive, I decided to write a list and then a mega list. I also decided that I would wake up early. That didn’t happen. Since switching back to daily vlogging officially, where whatever I film goes up the next morning, I’ve been staying up too late to do things. I’ll hopefully figure it out soon because eventually I’m not going to be able to sleep into whenever I want. Today I planned to get up at 9:30-ish. When the first alarm went off I rolled over, turned off all the other alarms and thought about getting up. But I was really groggy. I knew the solution would be to drink the water that I had within arm’s reach. I didn’t. Instead I contemplated it for a while and eventually fell back to sleep. Whoops! But less than two hours later, I am back awake and starting out my day.

I’ve already crossed three things off my list and I think that’s a good start, considering I only rolled out of bed about twenty minutes ago. Today is going to be the day where I complete my list and doing drag my feet, or get horribly distracted by things like video games and reading. I do want to read today, but within reason. I even had a dream about it last night, so I think it has to happen. Yes, so definitely a lot of stuff to do today, as well as filming for various videos, which is something I haven’t done for a long time, so I need to be on track today and get it done! And I think I will. I feel well rested and alert. I’m a little dehydrated, but I’m currently working on that and already two glasses of water into the day. I mean business today and it’s going to happen.

Basically, here’s to the most productive day I’ve had in ages and to checking off all the boxes on my list. Honestly, I’m actually really jazzed about this and can’t wait to have an awesome day!

Personal Growth

I would say that 2019 wasn’t the year I thought it would be when I set out my goals. It was a year of change, somewhat torrential at times. But I made it through, and that’s what matters. I accomplished a fair amount, at least at the beginning of the year, and I can’t call it a complete wash. That being said, I wouldn’t want to go back to it, if given the choice.

I already feel like this year is different. Not just in that it’s a new decade, but my attitude is already evolving and shifting. I’ve decided to try to do a new challenge every month where I spend thirty minutes a day doing something. This month it’s going for a thirty minute walk every day. It hasn’t been the greatest. I’ve had my ups and downs. The weather has been a huge factor. I went out in pouring rain one day, but the next day had a pretty severe weather warning and I didn’t think it was safe to go out wandering by the ocean in 70km/h winds. Then I got back on track and made up the thirty minutes so I had still walked the full minutes. And, overall, it was going well. But another twist came in when I had a really physical day at work and it absolutely killed me. So I missed a day. And the next day. I could barely walk both days, so it wasn’t like I could go. On day two I had an ephinany.

I guess, in my head, I had seen this 30 in 30 challenge as an inevitability of success. It’s just 30 minutes of walking for 30 days. It’s not hard. But it’s also not easy. The weather was something I couldn’t predict. My broken body was something I couldn’t predict. And it wasn’t until I truly couldn’t go for the walk that I realized it’s okay. I had assumed that I wasn’t going to miss a single day of this challenge. Even when the weather derailed me, I made it up. I was determined to hit all 30 days, or equivalent. But missing days was actually kind of freeing. And now I realize that not hitting 100% is okay, and not just in this challenge.

For a very long time I’ve pushed myself to the point of burn out in order to accomplish things. Or sometimes, pushing myself and still not accomplishing those things. Burn out culture is a thing, and I was drinking the wine and any time I wasn’t, I felt like a failure. But with something so silly as not making it out for a walk, I realized that I don’t need to be like that. I can rest. I can relax. I can choose to have fun over working like crazy, and that is okay. Honestly, it’s something so small, but I think it is going to make a huge difference going forward and I think it’s actually going to help me be more and more productive. And that is awesome.

To that end, I still need balance because I would say that I’ve maybe swung more to the other side than I should have. I’ve been reading a bit more, which is awesome. I’m trying to limit it because I know me and I know I’ll go off the deep end with that if I’m not careful. I finished a 400 page book in three days. I can read faster than that, but I was trying to ration it, which I completely failed at on day three and just read the rest. And then there’s video games. I’ve been wanting to use them as a way to relax for a while, and I’ve finally gotten back into them. Too hard. I started and finished a game yesterday. It wasn’t a LONG game, but I still put several hours into it. I did it again today. I don’ intend to do it again tomorrow, but I do intend to keep playing on and off because I think it’s a good way to relax and take a break (like reading) that actually engages my brain and keeps me focused. I will watch movies or shows, but I find I’m often on my phone and I don’t like that. Part of the plan for this year is to get into crafting more, and I think that’s something I can do when I want to watch a show or movie. I think it will also help me be on my phone less which, while not a goal for 2020, maybe it should be.

Anyway, all that’s to say that I feel like I’m starting off the year pretty well. I’m still completely off on my sleeping schedule, but we can figure that out as we go along, and hopefully I can get into my book here soon because that would be nice.