Conflicted

I’m feeling a little conflicted and I think it’s stemming back to being programmed from a young age to get up early, go to school, and later work, get stuff done, then come home and relax, only to repeat it the following day. That’s what I know and it’s kind of what I was basing my planned daily routine on. As we know, that hasn’t gone well. Now, at the end of the week I can look back and reflect over the days that I got stuff done, and the main similarity was that I slept in until I naturally woke up, and then I buckled down for an hour or so and was more productive than on days I was trying to adhere to a specific schedule. So I’m thinking that maybe I should just sleep when I want and work when I want, and then everything will work out. I mean, it doesn’t hurt to try. And the agenda is certainly helping things. If I have a set amount of things that I want to do in a day, versus set things to do at set times, I feel like I’ll be more productive. So much for being structured.

Then again, I was never good at structure and deadlines. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t miss deadlines, I just wait until the last possible moment to start something, while still leaving myself enough time to get things done. I’m starting to think that I work good under pressure and/or when I have nothing telling me what to do. Interesting. It’s almost as if I just need to chill out on what I am trying to do and it will happen naturally. I also kinda of want to move to a more nocturnal schedule. I think I mentioned it before, but I always feel more creative at night. I know that when I did NaNoWriMo, the majority of my writing happened after 7pm. It’s just better then. I don’t know why, but it just feels right, and I like when things don’t feel forced.

Today when I was writing, it didn’t feel forced at all. I was excited to be doing it, and so I started to try to think of ways that I could keep up this excitement. One of the things that I really like to do is share my world and my stories with people. It makes me so happy to be able to weave a narrative and to bring people along with me. There’s this character in the current story I am working on named Luken Wolfe. He’s been around for a while because he’s existed in various forms since the first iteration of this story. A few months ago I brainstormed his backstory and I found it very interesting. However, I can’t see how the depth of it will ever fit into the story I’m working on. The story is not about him. Yes, I would say that he’s one of the main characters, but he’s not THE main character. Still, I kind of want to share his story from before he shows up in the actual story. I’ve been thinking about maybe writing a novella about him, which would be a good way to share his story and, in turn make me more excited to write the main story so people can find out what happens to him. My only fear with that is revealing too much information about the actual story beforehand, like things that are fact to me, but that would be huge spoilers to anyone who doesn’t know the story. Regardless, it’s something that I think I’ll eventually do, because I think his path to the story is rather interesting and I would love for other people too know it.