Focus

First of all, let’s talk about the elephant in the blog, aka the fact that I didn’t post yesterday. I just felt like crap yesterday and I looked at my computer and was like “nope, not going to happen.” And it’s definitely okay to take days off. I could have pumped something out yesterday, but it would have been drivel. It wouldn’t have been worth reading, in my opinion. Though, sometimes I do question if what I write is work reading at all. I guess where I’m trying to go with this, is that if you have a job and you are sick, you can take a day off. Therefore, why can’t I? I definitely need to prioritize self-care as I try to ramp up with the writing.

On Tuesday, I had a very life focused day, which means I did little to no work. I also misplaced my agenda, which I didn’t realize until I found it today, because I wasn’t really looking to use it yesterday. However, because I had those two “days off” and hadn’t set up my agenda for today, I felt like I was very unfocused. Maybe it’s just the remnants of whatever was messing with my system yesterday, but I could not get honed in on anything for more than fifteen minutes today. It was just not a productive day at all. I felt bored and/or agitated for the majority of the day. I think part of it was because I was having issues with my vlog not exporting, and so that was constantly in the back of my mind. But also, I think it was just a rubbish day for trying to get stuff done. I really want to be either kicking myself in the butt for not accomplishing things, or kicking myself to get stuff done, but it’s definitely not happening today. I need to get focused and I need to get my drive going.

I keep using the excuse that “tomorrow is another day”, but then something always comes up. Next week is a crazy week for me because I have some travel and a wedding to attend, so I don’t foresee myself doing much writing. And then it’s August.

When I first quit my job, my plan was to have June and July off and to write as much as I could in the time period, before maybe looking for a part-time or casual job in August. Well, that didn’t really go as planned and I spent the majority of June doing some casual work, which has continued into July, though at a lesser pace. I’m sure it can continue into August if I want it to, as well. Which would be fine. But I need to focus on writing, which is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I recently mentioned to someone that I’d be okay making very little money a month/a year writing, as long as it was enough that that was all I had to do. Because all I want to do it write. They told me that I could keep writing even if I get a real job and that I should never give up my passion. But that’s not the point. I want to write and somehow make even a tiny little profit to be able to just do that. To have someone ask me what I do for a living a say “I’m an author” and have them ask me what books I’ve written, instead of having to say “I’m trying to be an author” and getting those odd and sometimes sympathetic looks. Then people ask you what your story is about, and it’s always a little hard to explain without giving too much away. Then they just kind of drift away. Maybe soon I’ll have the former. But that all depends on me, doesn’t it?

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Waiting… For What?

For most of my adult life, I feel like I’ve always been waiting for that perfect moment to appear, so I can cease it and make it my own. However, the reality is that the perfect moment will never come by on its own. You have to make it for yourself. I know this. This is never new news to me. Yet still, I wait and say to myself “maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I’ll be struck with a brilliant idea and everything will work out.”

True, maybe I will get struck with a brilliant idea one of these days, but it’s never going to “just work out”.

A little over a month ago, I quit my job and moved from a city I loved so that I could live more affordably and also focus on my writing. I miss the city, for sure, but I don’t miss my crazy work schedule that barely left time for sleep, let alone slogging long hours at a computer screen, or pouring over a notebook in a coffee shop. But I tried. Boy did I try. I would constantly find myself spending hours on my days off tucked in some corner of the library, or trying to stay awake at all hours in the morning, camped in a 24 hour bistro, trying to get some words on paper. I was actually pretty successful, but I quickly realized that the two hours here and the four hours there wasn’t going to cut it in the long term. If I wanted to focus on writing, if I wanted to pursue it fully, I had to commit. So I “retired” from working at the young age of 29, packed up my belongings, and moved in with family so I could chase my dreams.

There’s something very liberating and also very terrifying about leaving a full-time job that pays the bills and trying to become an author. At first, I was very excited to finally go after what I wanted with nothing to hold me back. And then I started to panic. It’s one thing to say you want to do something and then always have the “what-if”, it’s an entirely different thing to pursue it and then be able to have a definitive answer on whether you are good at it, or shouldn’t have quit your day job. I think that’s what’s been holding me back. It’s been over a month since I moved and I’ve barely touched my stories. Sure, it took me a while to settle in, and I did pick up a part-time job for a month (I’m terrible at retirement), but those excuses are starting to wear thin. My new one is “I need a steady routine”. Yes, that may be true, but I’m waiting for it to materialize on its own, which is never going to happen. I need to make my own routine. I need to sit down and set up a schedule and go with it. I need to make writing my job, even if I may not be getting paid for it.

Starting to blog again was part of my plan for more structure. I used to blog daily and, not only did I enjoy it, but it gave me something I had to do every day. I’m a fan of consistency. Not that I’ve been that great here. Baby steps, though, and I think I’m on the right path.

Sometime this week, I think I’ll be able to get things sorted. I am finally starting to feel settled, and that was the thing I was having the biggest issue with. Next step is making that daily schedule and then finding a place that feels right to write in. It’s weird, I know, but I need a certain feel to a place when I’m writing in it.

Step one, though, is go to bed so I don’t sleep in forever tomorrow!

The Dream

“Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream that no one but you can see.”

I came across this quote some time ago. I’m not sure who said it or really how I to find it, but it resonated with me. Maybe because I have this crazy dream where I am going to become a published author and share my little world with everyone. But it’s scary as hell. Because first, one must pull a story from the depths of one’s soul, and secondly, because every force in the world seems to be working against following that dream and people can’t seem to understand why you would want to quit your well paying job to pursue this. I mean, I get it. I wonder myself. But I did it. And I’m still not sure if I’m better off. If nothing else, I’m committed, or should be.

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