I’m The Worst

Today I woke up at 6am! I finally did it! I was conscious. I felt awake. I was ready to start the day. So naturally I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I am the worst. I was ready I had this day in the bag, and then after going back to sleep, it all kind of went downhill.

I eventually rolled out of bed around 10am. I had been up for a while, but I have my morning routine of checking emails and social media, then getting sucked into the Youtube rabbit hole for a while. Despite my late start to the day, I was determined to make it a productive one. Spoiler alert: I don’t think I was particularly successful at that. I had a quick snack in the morning, packed up my bag, and headed to the park where my plan was to sit under a tree for a few hours and get a lot of stuff done. Didn’t happen so much. Almost all the grass in the park is a lovely shade of tan because it’s summer, and it’s not enjoyable to sit on, especially when wearing shorts. I had thought about bringing a blanket or something to sit on, but I forgot, and I wasn’t going to go home and come back. That was too much effort. So I tried to make it work, but unlike the beach, the park didn’t have the same creative vibe. I got maybe eight point form notes written down about a new character I was developing and that was it. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel motivated, nor did I feel the urge to write. Sometimes I can get through a lack of motivation by being particularly inspired. Not today. There was nothing.

So I gave up for the time being. Sometimes you’ve just got to admit defeat. I went for a nice walk in the woods and returned home to have some lunch and also to try to reset for the working day. I would say I reached about 15% productivity after lunch, but that didn’t last long at all. Soon, all I wanted to do was nap, and as I was sitting in my bed with my work, it was likely to happen. I gave up again. I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff for dinner. When I got home, I would write, I told myself. I would do something so that this day would not be a complete write off.

You can probably guess what happened next. I went outside to the patio and sat down with my book’s acts and started to try to put them into chapters. I think I got to chapter three, maybe four, before I called it quits. It’s just not working today and I think it’s because I’ve just been overthinking everything lately. I feel like there’s so much, and so little going on in my life, if that makes any sense. I tried to implement this new routine, but it has no staying power because I have no particular desire to follow it. I know it’s a good routine, so once I get on it, I will have success, or if nothing else, I’ll force myself to start at my computer screen for four hours a day. Eventually I’ll drive myself crazy or write the book. But at the moment, I just can’t seem to be bothered, I guess. Which is weird. Like I said, I’m massively overthinking anything and everything that I can, and I think that’s the problem. Scratch that, I know that’s the problem.

Tomorrow’s another day, as I keep saying, and I can only keep trying. I actually have a commitment tomorrow that will force me to get up early, but that will also prevent me from writing for a few hours, so who knows how it’ll go. I’ve got to keep hoping that I’ll figure myself out, because if I don’t keep it up, I may as well just quit now.

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